i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
