who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
