Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
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Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
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If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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