saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
