All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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