We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
