He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
