I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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