He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize
