I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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