did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
