Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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