Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I cut my penus on the lid.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
