I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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