My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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