My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
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I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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