Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
We are two peas in an std pod
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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