girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
