maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
