I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
