when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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