He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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