I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
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his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
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This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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