I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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