so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Randomize
