im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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