You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
