I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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