The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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