my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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