woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
