I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
