Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
