She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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