This girl is more easily done than said...
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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