Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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