I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
