I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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