she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
