I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
