if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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