my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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