This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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