After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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