So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
I'm going to Hell for sure
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.