Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
