The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
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I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
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Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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