You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
