A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
