just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
3 2 1 whiskey
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
