Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize