I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
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Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
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I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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