at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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