Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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