I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize