I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
