oh and then you called a time out with your penis
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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