It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
